Disingenuous Lips
“You are such an asshole.” Is a phrase many people use to describe me. I typically sit back in disbelief and group all of my past actions and expressions in the day and try, without any success, to determine why in the world somebody would use such an all-inclusive term. Lets review:
- I’ve made approximately 7 references and jokes to something that might annoy you. I was trying to be funny.
- My demeanor gave off an “This guy thinks he’s all that.” I don’t even have “this”.
- I’ve used a few fancy words while I was speaking. This is how I’ve always talked.
- You’ve heard about me from various sources that have no type of credibility. I don’t even know any Raul’s.
- You’ve only known me for a few minutes or have never actually sat down to have a true conversation with me. Do I even know you?
What filth. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
That’s the problem. Are we as a society too bias and insensible to actually reject a person based on minutes of conversation and word of mouth? First impressions are important, but what is a first impression? This guy just gave you the most awkward smile you’ve ever seen, he must be a creep. Also, look at that woman’s hair and clothing its a mess; she is probably poor and chemically unbalanced. Meanwhile the person you were talking to hasn’t said anything witty in the past 2 minutes, he must be an idiot. Lastly, look at this guy talking about how he has a job; god what a narcissistic tool. But how pretentious are we to reach these conclusions. That strange grin that man gave is actually a muscle spasm this person has struggled with since birth. He hates himself. The woman who was unkempt had recently lost the love of her life. Hence, she doesn’t see the point in dressing up anymore. The man who was quiet and uninteresting has been socially awkward all his life. Additionally, he suffers from a speech impediment, and through sheer embarrassment, tries his best not to speak often. Incidentally, he weeps in his solitude. The person that recently acquired a job, has been struggling to make ends meet for the past 3 years. After overcoming his alcohol addiction and severe depression, he’s been able to finally find some stability in his life. Today he decided to celebrate. You ruined it.
Did he just say that? What a party pooper.
And me? Well, I’m not sure if people get it right. I’m constantly making satirical comments trying to make myself seem more acceptable and approachable because I secretly fear that I bore everyone I speak to; and thus, have no real value to others. Also I loathe my appearance; after all, I’m a balding 22-year-old college student without any type of distinguishable facial features and a horrible figure that is reminiscent of my obese past. In addition, I don’t consider myself to be intellectual. Through the use of obscure words I try to mask my tantamount disgust and apathy towards myself. Furthermore, I’ve become used to the idea of being hated by everyone around me. I usually tend to meet people I’ve never engaged with before and discover they know all about me. Everything that is wrong with me. Lastly, when social pressure accumulates and weighs down on me, I go back to the original exclamation: “You are such an asshole.” Consequently without any type of justification or personal self-worth I typically concede: “Yeah, I must be.”
Hello fellow socialites. My name is Julian Gale Bigaras and I’m a great guy! I’m really not.
The Continually Haphazard Life of Julian G. B. 
I have been there. I was a tall, poorly built boy who had been raised by people who loved wordplay. A child of teachers, something which haunted me through school. I tried every way I could to “be what other people wanted me to be”. None of it worked.
I’ll tell you what I eventually came to, maybe it will help. It sounds harder than it is, and takes some internal rewiring, but, here it is.
I quit caring what “they” thought.
With that, I was able to find out what made me happy, and pursued those things. I was able to discover the simple joy of bringing a smile to someone’s face, not by trying to be witty or use impressive words, but by simply pointing out things that people don’t generally point out without wanting something in return.
“Those are awesome shoes!” “Nice car!” “(Insert random compliment here)”
Followed by… nothing. I didn’t wait around to be included. I took a secret joy in becoming,”That guy? He’s pretty bizarre, but nice.”
No, it won’t part the silk robes, no it won’t bring you a horde of friends… But then again, do you want a horde of “friends” who discuss you with people in a negative fashion?
Be you. If you want to make a change, make it for you. If you want to see someone else smile, do it for you. The altruism is there regardless of your own intention.
You are a good person. You are a worthy person. You are you, and your approval of you is the most important thing.
Consider this-How many of those who think you are an ass hole do you have to look in the eye while you brush your teeth? How many of them are in your bed with you when you go to bed at night?
If the number is greater than zero, that has to change. Not for them to like you or anything else.
The hell with them. You are you. You define you. Be you and be a person you are proud to be.
When I started this blog, which wasnt long ago, I did it with the intention of starting a conversation. The idea behind it is to create a space of self-meditation and recuperation, without the self. I am joyous to have someone spark the flame of true dialogue!
Arthur, First of all, thank you for the kind words. I am slowly starting to comprehend the idea of living a opinion-less life. I am in the middle of a process of improvement. Your words will be part of that evolution. In all honesty, I’m a good person with great feelings. I genuinely care what goes on in your day and how it made you feel. Im one of those mythical “real friends”. Only a handful of people know about that side of me, Im planning on writing a post about them later.
Thank you once again.
Sincerely,
J.G.B.