The Looking Lense

What an eerie feeling. It’s like I’m staring at one of my possible life decisions…But what is much more pressing is the fact that I’ve written vigorously for the past few months. Yes, I know I’ve been absent as of late. But anyone could become apathetic towards an activity that consumes most of your days. As I imagine that you’ve been able to guess writing doesn’t come too naturally for me. So this thesis of mine has been a real pain in my developing arthritis. Oh, did I forget? I’m constructing my thesis for the last year of my bachelors in architecture. It’s been a blast. Not. Hence my hesitation towards writing anything besides these damn infernal pages. I thought living in New York would allow me the opportunity to actually explore myself as a human being. Oh, wait what? I didn’t mention that I’m living in New York? Well gosh, it truly has been too long since we last spoke. This begs for a more detailed explanation.

I haven’t specified before but I’m an architecture student. It is my solemn and honorable duty, and by solemn and honorable I mean selfish and conceited, to travel the world and learn as much about culture and constructed patrimonies as I can; to design spaces as adequately as possible. See where the dual meanings come into play? In this self-righteous and pretentious profession traveling is smiled upon. My university, let’s call it the School of Over Exposed Architectural Perspectives or SOEAP, offered the opportunity to study this semester abroad. What better place to start than New York City.

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Howdy ho New York! You ready for me? Well, I’m not really going to do anything…so just forget the previous statement.

Holy Jesus was I excited. I could finally discover if my survival instincts were up to par with what is expected of me as a full-fledged adult. I would later find out that basic cereal making skills do not qualify as “cooking” and that my only tools of survival were never really tools. But I digress, we could talk about that at a later time. More importantly, as I made my way to the roof of my newly rented apartment building, I began contemplating a conversation we were supposed to have about…what were they called again? You know, one of those supposed epiphanies people always rave about. As I was admiring the amazing cityscape that was before me, I had one. It went something a bit like this:

“I’m going to stop putting myself down! This is my chance to truly redefine myself as a person. I’m going to stop fretting about all my insecurities and I’m going to embrace a new me. I don’t need the mask anymore, I’m going to become a better version of myself and this city is going to help me do it. Say goodbye to JGB, and say hello to the real thing!”

"Excelsior! Your performance was excellent. We almost believed you!"

“Excelsior! Your performance was excellent. We almost believed you!”

3 months ago I was a very foolish man. Obviously, I haven’t changed that much. Besides the bird nest growing on my face, I’m pretty much the same pathetic excuse of a human being I’ve always been. Yeah, I actually agree with this. But on a side note, this beard is amazing. So to recap the last few months: I’ve moved to New York, started and failed effortlessly time and time again on my thesis preliminaries, I’ve become a glutton of small Indian, Thai and Japanese cuisine, I’ve almost completely missed most of the amazing things that happen in this city and I haven’t actually met a single person during my time here. Yes you heard right: not a single person. That is a topic for another day.

Hello anony-

Oh! I almost forgot. I’m writing this while acting as a stand-in at an architecture office. As I scout my surroundings I’m fearful that this might be waiting for me. That same over clicked keyboard in all its antiquated glory patiently waiting to envelop me in its repetitive ritual. I really wouldn’t like being confined to an office of any sort. If New York has served for something, it’s that it’s given me certainty in my dislike for the mundane. I’m not saying I’m the incarnation of Indiana Yorker, but the hustle and bustle of this dynamic urbanity sure helps keep me distracted.

Hello anonymous lectors, my name is Julian Gale Bigaras and I’m a new man! Not quite.

P.S: Sorry for the long post, I’m making up for lost time. I’m also posting that epiphany I had shortly after this write-up. It’ll serve to give some perspective to this post. Tootles.

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Disingenuous Lips

“You are such an asshole.” Is a phrase many people use to describe me. I typically sit back in disbelief and group all of my past actions and expressions in the day and try, without any success, to determine why in the world somebody would use such an all-inclusive term. Lets review:

  • I’ve made approximately 7 references and jokes to something that might annoy you. I was trying to be funny.
  • My demeanor gave off an “This guy thinks he’s all that.”  I don’t even have “this”.
  • I’ve used a few fancy words while I was speaking. This is how I’ve always talked.
  • You’ve heard about me from various sources that have no type of credibility. I don’t even know any Raul’s.
  • You’ve only known me for a few minutes or have never actually sat down to have a true conversation with me. Do I even know you?
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What filth. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

That’s the problem. Are we as a society too bias and insensible to actually reject a person based on minutes of conversation and word of mouth? First impressions are important, but what is a first impression? This guy just gave you the most awkward smile you’ve ever seen, he must be a creep. Also, look at that woman’s hair and clothing its a mess; she is probably poor and chemically unbalanced. Meanwhile the person you were talking to hasn’t said anything witty in the past 2 minutes, he must be an idiot. Lastly, look at this guy talking about how he has a job; god what a narcissistic tool.  But how pretentious are we to reach these conclusions. That strange grin that man gave is actually a muscle spasm this person has struggled with since birth. He hates himself. The woman who was unkempt had recently lost the love of her life. Hence, she doesn’t see the point in dressing up anymore. The man who was quiet and uninteresting has been socially awkward all his life. Additionally, he suffers from a speech impediment, and through sheer embarrassment, tries his best not to speak often. Incidentally, he weeps in his solitude. The person that recently acquired a job, has been struggling to make ends meet for the past 3 years. After overcoming his alcohol addiction and severe depression, he’s been able to finally find some stability in his life. Today he decided to celebrate. You ruined it.

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Did he just say that? What a party pooper.

And me? Well, I’m not sure if people get it right. I’m constantly making satirical comments trying to make myself seem more acceptable and approachable because I secretly fear that I bore everyone I speak to; and thus, have no real value to others. Also I loathe my appearance; after all, I’m a balding 22-year-old college student without any type of distinguishable facial features and a horrible figure that is reminiscent of my obese past. In addition, I don’t consider myself to be intellectual. Through the use of obscure words I try to mask my tantamount disgust and apathy towards myself. Furthermore, I’ve become used to the idea of being hated by everyone around me. I usually tend to meet people I’ve never engaged with before and discover they know all about me. Everything that is wrong with me.  Lastly, when social pressure accumulates and weighs down on me, I go back to the original exclamation: “You are such an asshole.” Consequently without any type of justification or personal self-worth I typically concede: “Yeah, I must be.”

Hello fellow socialites. My name is Julian Gale Bigaras and I’m a great guy! I’m really not.

A Bleary Colloquy

I think I’m slowly, but surely, losing my vision. Didn’t see that one coming. Get it? I’m coursing bachelors studies in a profession that demands long hours in front of a computer. I hate it. I believe this is the cause, but I know it’s not limited to that. I’m one of those new fangled “geeks” the media and pop culture seems so fond of. It’s a term I’ve begun to use in different situations where I’m subject to scrutiny. To illustrate lets incorporate an example into the conversation:

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Why is everyone looking at me?

He steps into the cacophonous room. It’s filled with expressionless individuals. He knows none of them. As he sways and intends to decipher his surroundings, which he never truly does, a lustrous young woman he seems to recognize catches his eye.

-“Oh, Hey! I didn’t expect to see you here. How are you?” He asks with wholehearted interest.

-“I’m good.” She replies as the man shivers at the crude and brief air she lets out.

-“Yeah, I’m glad! So what are you doing in a place like this?” He smiles and enthusiastically awaits a similar response from his counterpart.

-“Um, I’m just drinking with some friends.” The room begins to whiten as the young man clenches his person for warmth. As he trembles uncontrollably, he looks around and sees no one accompanying the woman.

-“Oh really? Who are you with, Casper the friendly ghost?” He laughs and smiles trying to shake off the cold.

-“…” The woman stares with palpable apathy. She then takes a sip of her drink as it freezes under her breath.

-“Hey! You don’t have to be so serious. What can I say? I’m a geek, it’s in my nature to say things like that!” He immediately responds.

 Incidentally the entire room took notice of his last remark. They all asked in unison: “Why did you just say that?”

This is something that happens frequently. I tend to give more information about myself and my interests than the situation calls for. It’s my way of discovering how invested my counterpart is about the conversation and myself. Hence, I find out that said interest is non-existent. If that isn’t proof enough, I once tried to talk about Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog in the same sentence and conversation. I swear I did. That didn’t turn out so well. All in all I’m a mess of an adult. Regardless, I couldn’t be any happier with the weird, anime watching, super hero fantasizing man I am today. That’s not true.

Chad Coombs Photo

“I just finished talking to such a bitch.” He says. “Yeah, I hate dogs too.” Replies the feline bartender.

But what does being a geek have to do with my loss of sight? As you may very well know, most of the activities a geek partakes in require a brightly lit monitor. I am no different. At the end of the day, I am left to blame for my developing astigmatism and/or general loss of visual focus. This begs the question: Will I look good in glasses? Probably not.

Welcome back to my blog readers! It’s great to see you again! I really can’t tell.

The Pseudonym

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.”  – Nathaniel Hawthorne

“We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.” – Patrick Rothfuss

What am I doing? I feel as though I’m lost inside my own life. I believe I chose to begin this blog with the intention of discovering my own moral compass and to see if somehow, and by someway, I could help another strayed soul find something to hold on to. Maybe by holding on to me?

Hi my name is Julian, it isn’t really, I’m a 22 year old college student residing in Puerto Rico, that’s true.  I’ve gone through the majority of my life with exceedingly high goals and a family, which I cherish very much, which have pushed these goals even higher. Subsequently these circumstances have helped develop an utterly confused and ambitious man that doesn’t have any clue as to where to point his insatiable need of self-fulfillment and validity.

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This is me. Thats a lie.

 I used to be very fat; this developed a secondary unconscious critic in the depths of my person.  This persona has been the number one cause of my distaste in, practically, every facet of my existence. Indeed this is no excuse, I know this, I understand this. But alas here I am. Although this does not imply that I haven’t done anything. Simply, in my perspective, my achievements are as consequential as a lock of hair on a bald mans scalp; he’s still bald and looks fucking ridiculous with that on his head. He should just really shave that off.

SAUDI-RELIGION-HAJJ

Its for your own good.

Moreover, I’m really not who I project myself to be. Hence, I’m a shell of a misconstrued ideal I created a long time ago. The cheery, over confident person my smile seems to evoke, couldn’t be farther from the truth; or is it a glimpse at my fractured interiority? I can’t shake the feeling that I have a group of spectators, besides myself, that are in constant wait of failure. If I could just turn around, flip a finger and be on my way I would; however, deep down I truly do believe I care too much about what others have to say.

As you might have guessed, this is where I take off my shackles. This shall be the space where I, for the first time, have an expanse where I can just talk about anything without expecting a retort. Ironically, this is where I can become unmasked, where I know I lay in anonymity and am concealed from the world.

Hello internet, my name is Julian Gale Bigaras and I don’t care what you think! I really do.